Growing up in a world where the delight of your appearance outweighed the intentions of your heart was how I used to view the world. I thought the harder I scrubbed my skin, I would magically become a shade lighter in which I believed I would be liked more. Now bringing two girls into the world, I am tasked with the most important job of all, although at times I believe I should have been fired years ago, I strive to remember what I needed at their ages and provide the best guidance I can. Self-Esteem has always been an issue for me. Finding myself has taken time, however I am grateful for the experiences as I continue to embark on this transformation and becoming a better wife, mom, friend, etc.
Self Esteem - is the confidence in one's own worth and abilities. I charge my girls daily with, "you have to have high self-esteem I say, you have to carry yourself with self-respect, you...wait... do they even know what it means to have "high" self-esteem? I thought back to what I needed at their age, what needed to be said, taught, understood of me. To help them not require validation from others, but to understand the importance of strength and confidence in who they are. As I explored the how, I realized that it wasn't my six word sentence that would prepare my children for the world, but how I interacted with them and respected how they felt. All in all, how to be responsive to their needs. I started using the below points to help me help them.
Listen to them - As mothers, I know there are a million and ten other things we need to do other than listen to our 6 year old day on the monkey bars or how our 12 year old told a funny joke at her lunch table, but these moments matter, no matter how indifferent we may feel, our children want to know that they are heard, Being heard makes them feel empowered, it corroborates that they belong and what they have to say is important.
Allow them to express their feelings - All to often as parents we belittle the responsibilities that we gave to our children. "All you have to do is go to school, clean your room and that's it!" What else could you complain about? As parents we have to realize that our children are people too, with feelings and emotions. Did we forget that even as adults we have tantrums and bad days? So why do we give our children the extra burden of responsibility to be perfect? To stay in a child's place. Don't get me wrong, a child should NOT be disrespectful, but we all have bad days and we should be able to express so respectfully. This helps our children understand their frustrations and learn how to deal with them and accept them.
Understand they are unique- Whether you were the captain on the basketball team or top cheerleader on your squad, doesn't mean that your child will want to the same. Observing their characteristics and believing in them and who they are will build your child to be the best version of themselves, rightfully respectfully who THEY are.
Let them hear their own voice - Growing up, a quiet child was a respectful child. We often want to quiet our children. However, I often think back to my childhood, pre-teen era and think of what did I need to say? Quieting our children only hinders them to express their feelings and emotions, remember as adults we want to be heard, so what makes it so different for our children?
Allow them to be in the moment - I was talking to my 12 year old the other day and talked about college and how now she needs to prepare for it and so on, however in those same conversations, we should allow our children to live in the joy of today. All too often we spend years planning for 4 years from now, then when we get there, we plan 5 years from then. What about the joy in the journey? Living in the moment of the day. Being still allows us to bask in the moment and express the gratitude for the moment we are allowed to experience.
Using these tips and being reminded of them on a daily basis has helped me gain more patience and be able to engage in conversations with my children.
Feel free to leave a comment, suggestions and/or your own experiences below. I look forward to hearing from you!
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